Here's the 2nd part of my story.
Love for the introvert
By: Audrey Clark
Written: January 2, 2011
Part two: day two-destroyed soul
Moderator: Welcome back everyone. Please introduce yourselves.
Fear: My name is fear and Audrey feels me when she’s threatened.
Sadness: My name is sadness and Audrey feels me when she’s been misunderstood.
Personality: My name is Personality and Audrey is comfortable with me.
Serenity: My name is Serenity and Audrey uses me for peace.
Shyness: My name is Shyness and Audrey embraces me.
Misunderstood: My name is Misunderstood and Audrey feels me quite a bit which leads most of the time to sadness.
Stereotype: My name is stereotype and Audrey tries to disprove me.
Loneliness: My name is loneliness and despite what experts say, Audrey never feels me when she’s alone.
Love: Hi all. I wasn’t here yesterday. I had the flu.
Moderator: That’s quite alright.
Love: My name is Love and Audrey fears me.
Fear: She feels me towards you?
Love: I wish I knew.
Shyness: Let’s face it, Audrey feels me when she sees someone for the first time. She doesn’t know what to expect.
Fear: She feels me as well.
Love: I know, but she shouldn’t.
Stereotype: That’s easy for you to say.
Love: Wait a minute…
Moderator: Aren’t we forgetting someone?
All: Oh yeah…
A: My name is Audrey and I’m an introvert.
All: Welcome back Audrey
A: Thank you.
Moderator: Did you have a chance to think about what we talked about last session?
Moderator: What were your reactions?
A: Every emotion one could feel, I was feeling.
Stereotype: No love?
A: I don’t feel something that isn’t true to me.
Loneliness: You didn’t feel me, did you?
Loneliness: See? The shrinks got it all wrong. One can be alone and not feel lonely. Audrey is living proof of that.
A: me and a lot of others around the world can be alone without loneliness. It’s a matter of what you do with that alone time.
A: And for the record, I also felt sadness, anger and confusion.
Sadness: I knew I would be in there somewhere.
Loneliness: I suppose anger and confusion couldn’t make the session?
Moderator: I haven’t heard from them.
Loneliness: I mean, I’m here and she rarely feels me, yet…
Shyness: If you think about it, she tries to hold down her anger.
Fear: That can’t be good.
A: I don’t feel anger gets anything done.
A: All anger does for me is drain what little energy I have and makes me so bitter that I don’t want to do anything.
Serenity: How do you get rid of your anger?
A: Singing off the top of my lungs till I have no voice.
Personality: How long does that take?
A: depending on the songs….about a couple of hours.
Stereotype: and with no voice…
A: I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.
Serenity: You shouldn’t have to anyway.
Misunderstood: Unfortunately, people she meets for the first time feel me because they think of her as being mean or nasty because she doesn’t say much.
Loneliness: That’s not fair.
Fear: neither is life, but we have to make the most of it.
A: I’m very comfortable with who I am. I don’t need to prove that I’m comfortable. If people can’t see past the physical parts of me, then that’s something I can’t change.
A: But it also means that they don’t want to work at getting to know me.
Moderator: I’m not so sure about that.
A: Look, every day I have to deal with all kinds of personalities.
A: And there are those whose personality I can’t stand, but I’m civil anyway.
Moderator: As it should be.
A: And those who don’t like my personality either. I can’t change that.
A: But I REFUSE to change to please them either. Either you like me as I am or you don’t. I don’t have time to play games.
Stereotype: It’s a good thing seriousness isn’t here.
Stereotype: I wonder if a lot of those people you’ve met think you take life too seriously.
A: I’ve been told that yes.
Stereotype: There you go. Maybe they think you can’t loosen up.
A: here we go again…
Misunderstood: Stereotype, this is the kind of thing that upsets Audrey a lot. Those using me as a reason to…
Stereotype: Wait a minute…we don’t know if the other person has misunderstood her.
Misunderstood: If that was the case, she wouldn’t be here asking about love would she?
Fear: Love is never easy.
Love: Life is never easy.
Moderator: True, but we are talking about Audrey here. She’s unique in a lot of ways.
Love: The world is unique in a lot of ways.
Moderator: True, but some in the world want to fit in so their uniqueness won’t show. Audrey would rather let her uniqueness show.
Serenity: This is true. I mean, here’s someone whose favorite poet is Shakespeare.
A: Nothing wrong with that.
Love: I know, but even I find that surprising.
A: I’m dreading this…
Stereotype: This is where I come in. I suppose Audrey liking Shakespeare is something she isn’t allowed to like, eh?
Love: I never said that.
Stereotype: You didn’t have to.
Misunderstood: Hold up, you two. Feeling me in this session might not be wise.
Moderator: I disagree. We need to get to the crux of Audrey’s situation and the only way to do that is to let her feel what she needs to feel and so should you all.
Shyness: I agree.
Fear: Audrey, there’s nothing wrong with being unique.
A: I know that.
Fear: As long as you know it, it will show and those who see with their souls and not with their eyes will witness that.
A: Thank you.
Loneliness: See with their souls? I’m lost.
A: I live my life thru my soul. My soul is the only reason why I’m still alive.
Moderator: I’m sure your heart, body, mind and spirit will have something to say about it.
A: They know that the only reason why I have a mind, heart, body and spirit is because of my soul.
Moderator: Your heart allows you to breathe. Your body holds in the rest of you. Your mind allows you to express what you do and your spirit keeps you grounded.
A: But without my soul, I wouldn’t be doing all of those things.
Moderator: We’ll deal with that later, but in the meantime, you value your soul.
A: I do. My soul is the reason why I write.
Shyness: And we all here help you in that writing journey.
A: Yes, you all do. My soul feels you all, at least not at the same time, in one capacity or another and I use my soul’s voice to write down what she wants to convey to me.
Serenity: Nothing wrong with that.
Moderator: No, but to communicate with the human race, writing isn’t always the answer.
Fear: True. There is the voice.
A: A voice I’m afraid to use at times.
A: Because of you.
A: No matter how many times I try to explain something, it’s as if they didn’t understand what I was talking about.
Misunderstood: It happens.
A: Plus, I don’t think on the same level as most.
A: This is why my soul is so important to me. She forces me to see deeper into myself, to see the deeper parts of my psyche.
Moderator: I get it. That’s why you feel that people misunderstand you because they’re not “looking” with their souls.
Moderator: Audrey, that’s not a very easy thing to do. That takes a lot of practice and a lot of discipline. Besides, most people want to talk gossip, or talk small talk.
Stereotype: There’s nothing wrong with that.
Love: Hey, I can happen when small talk happens, you know.
A: For me, small talk doesn’t stimulate me the way it stimulates others.
Love: Why is that?
Loneliness: Audrey is an introvert and from my understanding, introverts don’t do that kind of talk.
Love: Oh, I don’t know. I’m sure there are a lot of introverts that do small talk and gossip.
A: This is one introvert that doesn’t do either.
Stereotype: And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Love: Listen, let’s say that a favorite musician of Audrey’s had something happen to them….um…they cheated on their spouse.
Moderator: Go on.
Love: Shouldn’t Audrey know that has happened?
Moderator: Audrey, do you want to answer that?
A: I don’t feel I need to know the personal lives of the musicians I listen to or meet.
A: Because when I go to a show, it’s basically I’m the fan and they’re the musician.
Love: Nothing more.
A: Unless they e-mail me personally to say that they want to be a friend of mine, then it’s me the fan and they’re the musician.
Loneliness: Nothing wrong with that.
Love: I see everything wrong with it.
Moderator: in what way?
Love: Look, Audrey’s unique, we all know that, and that Audrey is spending her money on going to the shows and buying their records and such…
Stereotype: Yes, but remember, there are a lot of other people who do the same thing and some stand out more than others. It’s usually those that leave the biggest impression on the musicians.
Love: so, you’re saying that musicians can’t stand introverts.
Stereotype: I didn’t say that.
Love: That’s what it sounds like to me.
Misunderstood: This is where I come in.
Moderator: Wait a minute…let’s take a look at this.
Moderator: Audrey, how many musicians have you met in the last…let’s say two years?
A: I don’t know…about 10 or so.
Love: That seems like a lot.
A: It isn’t.
Moderator: Of those musicians you’ve met, were any of them mean to you?
Moderator: Were they all appreciative of you being there?
A: I suppose
Stereotype: You suppose?
A: I remember talking to someone a long time ago about people and their demeanor.
A: And this person told me that 95% of musicians that go out to meet the people do it because they have to and not because they want to.
Moderator: 95%? That’s a huge number.
A: I know.
Fear: No wonder when you go to meet the musician, you feel me to the point of paralysis.
Fear: I mean, she doesn’t even know if the musician is genuinely happy to see her and is thankful for her being there, or that he’s just pretending to be that way so as to not hurt her feelings.
Love: Fear, I don’t get it.
Fear: Well, seeing that Audrey is who she is, it must have taken a lot of guts to not only go to the show, but to walk up to a complete stranger and say hello.
Love: That does take a lot of bravery
Fear; And, if you think about it, because she may only see that musician once a year, to her, they are still a complete stranger to her.
Stereotype; No, I think you got that all wrong.
Fear: I do?
Sadness: yes, I think it’s that she may know of the musician, but to the musician, she is still a complete stranger.
Personality: And this where the extrovert/introvert thing comes in.
Personality: If Audrey were an extrovert, the musician would remember her more because she would be more outgoing.
serenity: So, like we said in the last session, the only way for Audrey to have friends and fall in love is to be an extrovert…something she feels she can never be.
Moderator: We didn’t say she could never be that.
Serenity: Yes, but didn’t we just say that we accept her as she is…a serene, quiet, introvert?
Moderator: Yes, we did say that.
Serenity: All I’m saying is that as long as Audrey is her TRUE SELF, the musicians she meets, no matter how many times she meets them, will always look at her as a complete stranger.
Moderator: Unless it’s the first time, I wouldn’t think of it that way.
Serenity: Well, that is what will happen.
Moderator: And you know this how?
Stereotype: Again, musicians are in it to be more popular than the next artist.
Moderator: You don’t know that.
Stereotype: O.K. If it were me, I would dare any musician who has met me to e-mail me at least once. Those who don’t, I would say that I’m a complete stranger and will always be one to them.
Fear: I can’t argue with that.
Love: That’s not fair.
Stereotype: Neither is life, and we…
Love: I know, I know.
Moderator: Something tells me this will lead up to why she feels the way she does.
Love: Audrey, how do you feel about musicians?
A: I don’t know how to feel, really.
Love: Tell me more.
A: There are times where I love what they do and appreciate what they do, but then there’s a small part of me that says that I shouldn’t even be allowed in their space.
A: Because of my quiet, serene personality.
Love: Audrey, do you feel you will ever find romantic love?
A: At this time…no.
A: I don’t fit the “stereotype”.
Stereotype: This is where I come in.
Love: What stereotype?
Stereotype: Why do you think shrinks and therapists tell those who are introverts not to be introverts?
Stereotypes: Those shrinks and therapists tell introverts that no one wants to fall in love with an introvert.
Love: I find that hard to believe.
Loneliness: Do you think Audrey would be here if she could find love as an introvert?
Love: No, but…
Loneliness: enough said.
Love: No, not enough said. I’m telling you, there’s someone for everyone.
A: I wish I could believe that.
Love: It will happen.
A: no rush. I’m not even contemplating romance anyway. Too scary for me.
Love: Love isn’t as harsh as you make it out to be.
A: Who said I made love out to be harsh?
Love: Look, you’re letting these guys paint a picture of a musician as someone who is only in it for the popularity and the money and don’t really care about the fans.
A: I don’t believe it.
Misunderstood: Love, wait a minute. You’re assuming because of how we view a musician, that this is how Audrey views one?
Love: I didn’t…
Moderator: before this gets way out of hand, Audrey, why don’t you tell us in your own words what it would take for you to allow people into your unique, serene lifestyle.
A: I’m not one who lives my life on a computer. I do go out and explore even if I’m not going to a specific place. I’m one who likes to listen to some jazz CD’s, drive thru traffic, or the streets of <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">San Francisco</st1:place></st1:city>, just to be part of the atmosphere. I’m one who will take her mp3 player to Land’s End and go for a walk along the trail until the sun goes to bed for the day. I’m one who likes to see that spectacle while hearing a soothing voice saying “You’d Be So Nice to Come Home to”. I’m one that will occasionally go to see someone I enjoy listening to play live and, if I’m not intimidated, will want to thank that musician for a wonderful show. I’ve never asked for much except to be accepted as I am. I’m not perfect, nor do I want to be perfect. I just want to be me. That’s all I ever wanted…to be me.
Moderator: And you can be you. You said it yourself, not everyone is going to like you.
A: I know.
Fear: So why feel me?
A: I’ve never had a friend in my lifetime it seems. Those I thought were my friends didn’t turn out that way. All this talk about learning experiences is enough to make me wanna puke.
Moderator: But that’s what they are…learning experiences.
A: Basically, I’m learning the only way to make friends and to experience romance is not to be me.
Moderator: That, is not true.
A: Until someone truthfully comes up to me, or e-mails me, to say that they want to know me, AS I AM, then I will always feel the way I do and keep my soul very close to me. I refuse to let my soul get destroyed again.
Moderator: You never told me about the time that made you question whether or not you were appreciated.
A: I’m too tired to continue.
Moderator: It’s almost quitting time.
Fear: Audrey, if it’s any indication, you did very well today.
A: Somehow, I feel I’m going to regret it.
A: Because I’ve never shared anything this deep before for fear of ridicule.
Moderator: You are amongst friends here. Don’t feel that you will be ridiculed for baring your soul. Most would NEVER do what you’re doing now.
Fear: Because of me
Misunderstood: and especially me.
Love: Know that we will be here for you. I will always be here for you. You have a lot of me to share and I can see that only certain people should get that special gift from you, but life isn’t as bad as you make it out to be.
A: It’s not that. I just feel that some haven’t been very forthcoming with me.
A: I need to know where I stand with certain people.
Love: You should ask?
A: I’m afraid to.
Moderator: How will you know if you don’t ask?
A: I suppose.
Moderator: Till next session everyone…Audrey?
Moderator: If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to call me, you have my number.
A: I will, thank you.
Moderator: till next session?
A: Till next session.